I have so many inadequacies. What happens when too much really is too little? And what happens when all you see in yourself, is what others see in you...
This morning i prayed, God teach me to love with your love, love that is generous and not imposing. Love that wants the best for another but little for yourself. Jesus never asked to be deserved of our love. Because i am weak, i want to love with your love Lord.
Inadequecies
Reflections
Guess i was feeling rather overwhelmed today, i started huffing and puffing and getting fed up and confused crunching numbers and figures but my brain feels like its mushed up and i got irritable. Recalled collegues mentioning over lunch the other day, whether it was more stressful to work or doing PhD. There are the perks of enjoying more flexibility in working hours now, no 8-5 boundaries. But at work, when the clock hits, most often you can shelf the work and leave it aside, at least mentally you can. But here, you're your own boss and you can never run away from your problems. if you're not gonna solve it sooner or later its gonna come back and bite you in the ass. But sometimes you get dismissed, like aiya you studying, no hardship one la. I guess i'm feeling the stress, since its the final year and peers are rushing to wrap things up. I know its all come down to this and it's time. I don't think i'm afraid of actually working after graduation, but at least, i had hopes of making this work. I wonder if i'm allowed to feel such emotions, if i had the right to exercise distress without sounding like i was unloading unnecessarily. I don't have it together all the time, but i thought i had to. After all that huffing and puffing and stressing, i did mangage to bulldoze through some problems. Ya, i operate better under stress. So all the huffing was not without returns. Ending the day with dear over the phone, i remembered why it was important to keep my attitude in check and to share honestly and gently instead of unloading. I think perhaps woman have a tendency to do that, in our most urgent desires to be understood and sympathised, we unload so that someone else feels for our situation and comforts us. And i realized tonight that's really unhealthy. I don't have to make my problem his problem, but his loyal counsel would be my motivation. Because, we are called to half each others' burdens and not to double them. He was right, in reminding me we should just be who we are with each other. It was a most comfortable afterthought, that he really didn't mind the real me after all.
Chris, did you know? Your words of understanding and kindness fuel me past my own inabilites.
my existence
Quoting George Whiteside; "Papers are a central part of research. If your research does not generate papers, it might as well have not been done. "Interesting and unpublished" is equivalent to "non-existent"." Adv Materials. 2004, 16, 1375.
I guess up to now, I've just been non existent.
Awesome song... Singing every little girl's dream, including mine... I first heard it in Bride Wars where anne and kate walked the aisles down their weddings and i hope someday i can walk mine to it too
Today's Daily bread: Sinless, He was adored by the multitudes one day (Matt21:9), and then condemned as a criminal and died on a Roman cross in excruciating pain.
Yet, He chose to do so for you and for me.
Teach me Lord, of your mercy and grace. Teach me how to love unselfishly as you did..
Dreams need believing and faith to come true. I believe.
A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches,
whatever you wish for you'll see.
Have faith in your dreams and someday,
your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
the dream that you wish will come through...
He's in my every dream, so i can smile in my sleep.
Simplicity
There's a reason why Einstein is one of the most renowned geniuses of all times. There is such simplicity and elegance in his scientific explanations. Its like when you first catch it, you think to yourself, it doesn't really make sense, so silly... But than you slow it down and listen hard, and you can appreciate his efforts in conveying the idea in earnesty. Really, i admire him so for this.
Albert, when asked to describe radio, replied:
"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
Ain't that great?
Whims
This post might seem totally outta point and random, i know.. I evaluated a couple of things that I seemed to dwell on lately.
Of Being a Worrier...
I am a terrible worrier.. I worry all the time. I wonder if its because I care too much, or if i'm over analytical... Indulging in worries leads to an overhaul in imagination. Sometimes i wish i could take a break from worrying. The only times i really let it go is when i'm in a good game, i loose myself in every ball. In that moment, i live for that very point, that very set.
Of The Fundamentals of Trust...
I define Trust: Having confidence and reliance on something or someone. Thrusting one's hope in something or someone. To believe completely and sticking to it in faith no matter the situation or circumstance. I'd like to trust wholeheartedly once more. I wonder if its an inherent flaw in me, to find it difficult to forget. Because even though its good to forgive, some things are even better forgotten.
Of Expectations...
Expectations are good. Only if they are adjusted proportionately. I now start to learn to be realistic in doing so. I used to be and sometimes still am, extremely idealistic in expecting the best out of every situation and every person, as long as i am putting in my best as well. I used to be and sometimes still am, more optimistic about other people's problems as compared to my own. Practical voices drown out the optimism and enthusiam I have in believing in the best, that everything should be taken down a notch. I want to remain true to myself and not have to conform or change in being idealistic, because i kinda liked that about myself..
Of "Yay Me's"...
I realized how many times a day i say to myself "YAY ME". Its an expression of self indulgence. "Yay me needs this", "Yay me wants that", "Yay me poor me nobody understands..."
Feeling much better now that emos are texted. Self actualization can be such a relief.
Beneath it all, i'm still just a fool... My all time fav romantic song, enjoy..
Work, weather, a movie review and the superficial historian
Work is a little of a killjoy lately. My boss says i'm still not very efficient and at the rate i'm going, i probably won't grad in 4 years. It did affect me, because he wasn't being mean when he said that, merely stating facts. I know i have something big on my hands, so i should really push through and make it happen. Cheer me on!
Weather has been terok! It's totally thrown off my game, whenever we're playing- in the evening or morning it has been pittering and pattering. Sigh, rain rain go away...
Tennis Enthusiasts::
Doris, Rayner, Chris and me
Wet courts- Dampered moods
I saw the Romance of the Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon over the weekend. I appreciated the drama and fight scenes they portrayed of the ancient chinese. In one scene, andy lau's character totally ruled in Body Kong style- he took on like a hundred soldiers by himself and single handedly slaughtered them. All this with a baby strapped on his back(Liu Bei's son). He escaped and jumped horseback to the opposite cliff to face Cao Cao, his enemy. At this moment, the baby cried, it was still alive after all that jumbo! I heard a fellow movie maker make this comment:"wah.. the baby not squashed le.." Lol... can't say i wasn't thinking the exact same thing. Anyway the story was hyped up to the point of the final battle whereby Zhao was the last great general of the "5 great generals" left. He battled Cao Ying (fictional grand-daughter of Cao Cao; not in Romance) played by Maggi Q, only to have found that he was really betrayed into Cao's hands by his fat 'brother' of Sammo Hong's character Lu Pingan. I was disgusted. Build up a whole great man and his story only to have his downfall pinned by a fat slimeball. Sian... Overall, the show was rather entertaining and artistic. Andy Lau has once again redeemed himself in my eyes. Many people are confused over whether The Romance of Three Kingoms is authentic history. It is not. The story was written between AD1330 to 1400 and is based on records during the feud of the warlords from AD184 to AD280. Famous characters who were real people in history include Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Ma Chao, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu etc.. That said, it is one of the 4 greatest Chinese Literature of all times.
Betcha didn't know that...
Yup, i wikied it.
Updates and a little yellow butterfly
Yikes its been a good long haul since my last post.
Just an update with what's going on:
1. I just changed cell group, officially in the adults ministry. No expectations or negative feelings. Just gonna go there an check out the scene. I only pray for God's leading and participation in the whole matter, it doesn't matter where i am, as long as He's there, i'll do ok.
2. So my research work's finally picked up. There's some tasty results, if only i had the energy and motivation to see it through. I have to juggle with many different kinds of experiments and the familiar uncertainty and doubts in my capabilities floats in and out sometimes. I try to handle so many things at once so nothing really gets moved along. Note to self: Don't be overambitious.
3. Chris gets back from Perth tomorrow! I'm excited at the thought of him returning home again. I thought i'd be too busy this week to notice he's gone, but i do do miss him so... I'm amazed at how much i've come to love this man and i thank God again and again for him.
4. I've finally been recovering from a long bout of flu. I hate being sick.
5. I now play Katherine Heigl in 27 dresses. 2 weddings, 2 weeks. Rehearsals... briefings.. candles.. colors.. dress codes.. U get the deal. Ah well, all in the name of friendship!
So that sums it for abit. Except now i'm gonna sing a little song i just made up. It's called "O little yellow butterfly" and it goes like this:
O little yellow butterfly by ME
O little yellow butterfly
Where did you come from
Why have you flown into my window
Into my bedroom you floated in
I tried to chase you out
armed with a magazine
gently pointing you into the direction of my bedroom window
trying not to smack you
But you continued floating about
You didn't want to leave
So i gave up and let you stay
As long as you don't ambush me while i sleep
O little yellow Butterfly
I might get used to you being around
I could leave you some fresh pollen everytime i'm out
Just try to steer clear of my mum when she cleans out my room
Insecticides my dear, will not be too kind to you
Lol... I know its a silly and stupid song. I just had to make myself laugh. It's inspired by a real butterfly. It's yellow with white fringes around its wings. It flew into my bedroom last night and i just couldn't get it to leave. At first i was just irritated, using a 8days to try to swish it out of the window. But the little thing just kinda kept floating around. I got tired of trying, thinking, heck its just a butterfly. Not like some ugly moth, i just hope its not poisonous. Or try to climb into my ear when i sleep at night. Wait, that's lizards. Whatever... I went to bed. This morning when i woke up the little thing was still in my bedroom. I smiled, maybe it's not that bad having it around. I'll check in later if it's still there. Anyway if i had to name it, i'll call it Miffy. I dunno but it just looked like a Miffy. Miffy the little yellow butterfly.
Look at me, rambling on about a little yellow butterfly and a round of applause to you, for having read the story of Miffy and me. Hope you enjoyed the song too!
Lovefool
"Just tell him you love him.. Tell him you've loved him for 9 years, but you've been afraid to love, afraid of needing.
-Needing what?
Belonging to someone.."
from My Best Friend's Wedding
I'm afraid to need him because i might need him more than he needs me.
But it shouldn't matter,
because i love him.
Another excuse to skive off work, work on a list!
Tagged by Brid eons ago, ah well..
Tag 3 people to do the meme when completed.
1. My ex is: "Thank God that's over."
2. I am listening to: Brian Mcknight's Back at One
3. Maybe I should: get cracking at actual work instead of doing this quiz?
4. I love: Jogging alone in the light rain
5. My best friends: aww... u guys know its u
6. I don’t understand: why Singaporeans don't understand the concept of letting people exit the MRT first instead of crowdig and bustling in; even when the yellow lines are drawn up for them.
7. I lose: sleep when i worry excessively
8. People say: If the going gets tough, the tough gets going. hmm... worth a thought.
9. The meaning of my screen name is: as it is, I am very much a princess. The bf acknowledges that.
10. Love is: More than i can say
11. Somewhere, someone: is thinking of me as much as i think of him (i hope :p)
12. I will always: be a hopeless romantic and cry watching sappy romance comedies
13. Forever: the secret of life will never be fully known to man
14. I never want to: lose myself in meaningless pursuits
15. My cell phone is: Spanking new! wooyah!
16. When I wake in the morning: I snooze and laze in bed for at least another hr (pig)
17. I get annoyed at: people who make fun of things that actually means something to another person
18. Parties are: starting to sound lame and parsay when u get older
19. My dog is: Trevor, mid-size golden retriever living in my head. I'll let him out for a run tonight.
21. Today I am: tired and zonked out.
22. Tonight I will: watch America's next TOP model (it brings out the bimbo in me)
23. Tomorrow I will: Spend alone time with the special someone.
24. I really want: to always be H-A-P-P-Y!
25. When I looked at myself in the mirror today I: admited to myself i wasn't looking my best, but don't in the least give a crap.
26. I will drive my car: @200km/hr and pretend i'm Alonso
27. A word that rhymes with “PARK” is: Bark *rworff* (wat'd u say Trev?)
28. Bright or Dark Room?: Bright, i imagine things in the dark.
29. If I’m alone in a room with two beds, I: will jump from bed to bed pretending they're trampolines
30. The last thing I said to someone was: "We tried our best"
Now I tag whoever's reading this list :)
Surprise
To the man in my life,
Thank you...
I Love the sweet Surprise darling, they smell wonderful.
I love it even more, for the effort made :)
Ally likes them too! *muacks* 
I thank God everyday for you...
IT Malfunction
Subject: UPGRADE FROM BOYFRIEND TO HUSBAND
Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,Desperate Housewife
Re: UPGRADE FROM BOYFRIEND TO HUSBAND
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and downloadTears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crashHusband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limitedmemory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.
Good Luck, IT Support
There's more to life than this
There's more to life than this.
I found it and along the way, i seem to have lost it.
The passion and desire for fullness and contentment, the longing to bring hope to others.
The need to be intimate with you, the confidence in the future and embracing the present.
I cannot verbalise the struggle to anyone, i don't have the words. It reaches the tip of my tongue and gets swallowed once more.
Only when I am alone with my thoughts, i find you there. You have always been there. And you already know it all.
Deal with my fears O Lord, deal with my inadequecies.
Grant me courage and mercy to stay in your presence, don't let me out of your sight.
I don't want to just settle, when I know you have the best for me.
So help me, to give my best, to you...
Have you ever
Have you ever felt like the world around you is so different and there's a whole other world inside of you?
Have you ever been in love and yet feel unsure of where the ride is taking you?
Have you ever talked, walked and laughed, but it all doesn't seem to add up?
Have you ever wished it would rain just for you, to take a long walk and clear your head?
Have you ever wondered if it would ever end up like you dreamt it, when you were once hopeful?
I want the dreams i dreamt, i want the passion of life, i need the power with the form, God i want you.
My O my list of favorite things
My Favorite word:
Gou Li (powerful)
*Often used by Malaysians to describe anything, anywhere.
My Favorite person: 
*Chris Leonidas Lim, born of Sparta, occupation: destroyer of Persians
My Favorite thing in my room:
* B&Ws are so timeless
My Favorite work:
*My baby. Total cost over 50 grand. If God willing, it will split water.
My Favorite Sport:
*I Heart Tennis! Federer @Wimbledon 2005
My Favorite Flower:
*The Calla Lily
My Favorite series:
*FRIENDS, it should never have ended.
My Favorite movie:
*Say a little prayer for u...
My Favorite dream destination:
*EUROPE, Paris... sweep me off my feet.
Dim Sum Dollies ! Hyuk hyuk hyuk
Parking Pontianak from The Revenge of the Dim Sum Dollies
Parking Pontianak MTV
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