Wish he'd really ask, what i want, and what i'm really thinking about...
That kindness and patience in his voice, is missed.. for some time now..
I chanced upon 吻别 again, after a good 2 decades. And i still really like the song... Sigh, puts one in such a pensieve mood too, and i keep playing it over and over and over... hah.
前尘往事成云烟消散在彼此眼前
就连说过了再见也看不见你有些哀怨
给我的一切你不过是在敷衍
你笑的越无邪我就会爱你爱得更狂野
总在刹那间有一些了解
说过的话不可能会实现
就在一转眼发现你的脸
已经陌生不会再像从前
我的世界开始下雪
冷得让我无法多爱一天
冷得连隐藏的遗憾都那么地明显
我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲
想要给你的思念就像风筝断了线
飞不进你的世界也温暖不了你的视线
我已经看见一出悲剧正上演
剧终没有喜悦我仍然躲在你的梦里面
总在刹那间有一些了解
说过的话不可能会实现
就在一转眼发现你的脸
已经陌生不会再像从前
我的世界开始下雪
冷得让我无法多爱一天
冷得连隐藏的遗憾都那么地明显
我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲
我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲
I am vulnerable when i'm with people who really care about me. Uncontrollably i give in to sobs and emotions flooding, even when i have no words it's good to let it out. Its ok. Because i feel safe in their presence. I need to feel safe and their reassurance is reassuring enough to get me through. God, you're in control, and i'm grateful for that and that you provide people who care.
some things i learnt about through this few weeks...
1. There's no way you can take control over everything. The more you fight, the worse it gets. Let God take control.
2. Love is a commitment, its not just feelings.
3. Always look at yourself before you look at others, because you're imperfect too.
3. Be brave, face your problems.
4. Give life your best shot, and don't live to regret your decisions.
5. Don't be impatient, fools rush in.
6. Nothing should be taken for granted, because everything that's meaningful and precious comes with the price of hard work and dedication.
7. Friendship and wisdom are by far the most treasured jewels one can find.
I'm quite impressed with my body, apparently i don't quite need as much food and sleep as i thought i would.
Smile by Uncle Kracker
Yesterday I did the unimaginable. I scaled the via ferrata in the new Orchard Central. It stretches 30m tall, that's 5 storeys high and its the highest indoor wall in Asia. I had originally wanted to try out rock climbing, since i've always wanted to do it and never got about trying it. Needed to do something aggresive to clear out my mind and push my body into willing. Fang was onz with me, Wei and Ber weren't too keen abt it initially, but i guess everyone wanted to be supportive and accompany me for it. Orchard central has 2 kinds of climb, one the regular rock wall with features and mechanic belay. Than there's the via ferrata, which has 2 routes up. Basically there's cable features protruding out off the wall, so that you climb using these instead of grabbing rocks. We thought there was nothing to it, just like climbing up a really tall ladder, but boy were we wrong. Its damn hard. There are inclines in the wall and you really have to use alot of upper body strength. Plus the rungs are strategically placed to provide a challenge. The scariest thing is you don't get belayed. There's a safety hook- the lobster claw that you hook along the way as you proceed upwards. When you're tired you can hook the carabiner (that's the other claw from your harnest) on, and just lean back and rest.
The intial part was one of the hardest. I was 1-4, first to head up, followed by Ber, Wei and Fang. I only got up 3 to 4 rungs when i realised my arms were already tired.. There i thought to myself, crap i can't do this. But if i didn't move than the rest couldn't get a move on too. Damn, i had to push myself up. As i got higher and Ber started up as well i was thinking, shit, no way down only up and it looked like a horribly long way to go... After a while you get the hang of it, shifting the lobster claws, holding on, and putting the connecting cable into the pigtails. I got to the 1st platform, that's 3 storey's up midpoint and finally could catch a breath there. And o my.. Its really awesome and scary to look down. So many people looking like puny insects staring up and snapping us on their cameras. We were their free entertainment Bernard said on that platform. Of course i knew that wasn't the end and we were still stuck so moving up again.. The second leg was tough, the steps out of the platfrm was tricky and you kinda needed to stretch really far to get out. I got more afraid, i was afraid i didn't have the strength to hold on or pull myself up the next rung. So i desperately tried to clip my carabiner every step of the way which wasn't very possible. Close to reaching the top, my lobster claw got entangled with the cables and i was quite trapped. I was bumped cos I was so close to finishing, if i die now super bo hua. Thankfully Ber could reach the claw and entangle it for me. I was never so glad to hit the grounds again after that. We took 1hr15min to complete it and i was glad for the experience. Would i do it again? Probably not... But I had a heck of adrenaline rush and battle scars to show for my bravery.
Climbing the massive wall made me do alot of thinking. I was alone in my thoughts, faced with the fear of possibly plummeting to my death, contemplating my choices in life (such as this one, i did after all choose to do this) and more than ever made me think deeper. I thought about the reasons i had for wanting certain things in life, were they selfish, self indulgent and what's good enough for the future. I decided i wanted to live life clearly, if there was going to be pain along the way than i had to deal with it bravely and not put it off and dying a slow but sure death. Because either way, we were all going to die eventually. So i might as well go knowing i did my best, i chose wisely.
Thanks to friends who literally really did put their lives on the line for me. They'll never know how much that day meant to me. I scaled not just the wall, but myself.
Special thanks to my dear friend XiaoFang, she really was my guardian angel this week. Thank you gaL :)
missing him... I really do want it to work..
An interesting psych article i came across. We should probably all learn to tap into our unconscious minds more. Now i know when to turn to video games and sleep.
Let's just sleep on it tonight
by Wray Herbert
June 23rd 2006
You have some decisions to make. You must let your travel agent know if you will be vacationing in the hills of Tuscany or at a Jamaican beach resort. You also have to choose between those two job offers you’ve just received: A sales job and a government position each has its own appeal. Three people--Chuck, Kate and David--have all expressed interest in being your new roommate. And while you’re at it, what’s for dinner tonight, pasta primavera or swordfish? Oh, and you need to decide all these things right now.
Well, you simply can’t do it. It’s too much. You can only think about one big thing at a time realistically, and each of these decisions has so many variables to weigh. Your mind’s awhirl: sunburn, Euros, hijacking, 401-K, cubicles, squalid bathroom, rap music, calories, fresh basil, omega fatty acids. So what do you do with all this information? You throw your up your hands and flip on Playstation.
As odd as it sounds, this may be your wisest strategy. After half an hour of Grand Theft Auto, you suddenly drop the controller, shake your head, and there it is, clear as could be: Tuscany, sales, Kate, pasta. Effortlessly, it seems, you have made four complex decisions, and you know--know!--in your gut that these are all the right choices.
Some might say that you punted on your responsibilities. Psychologists would argue that you let your unconscious do the difficult work of sorting through plusses and minuses. Ab Dijksterhuis and Loran Nordgren of the University of Amsterdam have conducted a long series of experiments comparing conscious and unconscious thinking, and their experimental evidence adds up to the conclusion that the unconscious is often superior to the rational, conscious mind.
Many of the experiments use the same basic approach as this one: People were given 12 bits of information about four different apartments and asked to make a choice. Some had to decide immediately, with no time for analysis. Others were asked to reason the problem through, while still others were distracted for a while, then asked for their choice. This last group was presumed to be thinking unconsciously, while distracted. The real life equivalent might be playing Grand Theft Auto, or otherwise "sleeping on it." Dijksterhuis and Nordgren had designed the experiment so that there was a clear best apartment to choose, and the unconscious thinkers consistently arrived at that choice more often than the others. They repeated this experiment with roommates and other similar life choices, and the results were always the same.
(Before you protest, yes, people are idiosyncratic and sure, someone might prefer a slob for a roommate or a home without AC. There are deeply disturbed apartment hunters out there. But Dijksterhuis and Nordgren anticipated this, and in another experiment proved that unconscious thinkers arrive at the optimal choice for them, as defined by their personal tastes.)
What’s more, the experiments reveal why the unconscious mind might be superior to the conscious mind for many decisions. One of the most compelling explanations, as spelled out in the June issue of Perspectives on Psychological Science, is simple capacity. The conscious mind is very good at some things, like following clear rules. In fact, it’s superior in applying concrete rules: If it’s a hard and fast rule that you can pay no more than $1745 a month for an apartment, you don’t need your unconscious mind to intervene. But the conscious mind cannot handle many bits of information at one time, unlike the unconscious, which has a huge capacity for information processing.
Because of its limited capacity, the conscious mind defaults to certain ways of thinking that aren’t always ideal. For example, the researchers found that—contrary to common wisdom—the conscious mind is more likely than the unconscious to deal in stereotypes. That’s because stereotypes are efficient and readily available when there is too much information to process. The scientists found that conscious thinkers, even though they felt like they were reasoning through a mass of information, in fact were selectively cherry-picking the information that confirmed distortions they already had in mind. Put another way, they couldn’t help “jumping to conclusions.”
Why? Well, for one thing, the unconscious mind appears to make better use of memory. Consider Jeroen. Jeroen is a hypothetical man with 18 traits: Six of the traits have to do with his intelligence, six with his idealism, and six with his outgoing personality. When Jeroen was described to the participants, his traits were listed randomly. But when they were asked to recall as much as they could about him, the unconscious thinkers were much more likely to have the traits clustered in their memory—all the indicators of intelligence together, and so forth. The unconscious mind had organized the 18 traits, whereas the conscious thinkers’ recollections were random. Such consolidation would obviously help with practical decisions as well, like choosing a vacation spot.
There is much that remains to be learned about the unconscious, Dijksterhuis and Nordgren quickly concede. For example, it’s not at all clear why the unconscious chooses to deliver its intuitive judgments when it does. The experiments had time constraints, but in real life things sometimes percolate an hour, sometimes overnight, sometimes a week. And what’s the best kind of distraction? It may indeed be playing video games or something equally “mindless,” or perhaps sleep is the best incubator. And how do we ready ourselves for the summary judgment from the churning unconscious mind? We don't know. One famous physicist summarized the creative opportunity as “bed, bath and bus.”
What is clear from this extensive research is that people are often handicapping themselves in life. The more important and complex a decision, the more people tend to study and analyze and deconstruct its every nuance--or try to. Despite the natural appeal of this approach, in fact it seems to hinder the kind of holistic thinking that works best. As Dijksterhuis and Nordgren conclude: “As decision makers, people are bad managers of their own minds. They behave like a conference organizer who asks the janitor to deliver the keynote address and the highly accomplished professor to fold up the chairs.”
For more insights into human nature, visit the Association for Psychological Science website at www.psychologicalscience.org/onlyhuman.
Me and Fang went shopping at JP and i gotta say shopping rocks. The new Jurong Point is awesome, its actually very entertaining and there's plenty of new foodie hunts too. We were rather determined and marched through the stores and i gotta say we really got good bargains in 2hrs of work! I heart my new bag and new tops. You know why they call it retail therapy... because it really is uplifting! The trick is not to overdo it, otherwise the guilt sets in and you'll end up feeling crappy instead. Also, finding the right shopping buddy! Thanks gal, for the great company :) Reminded me of the crazy shopping in New York haha... We also discussed our possible business venture, and i do feel quite positive about it. Let's push through and make it work!!
Some random pics from US trip last yr:
Just finished a night of tennis with fang, yw and ber. Super tired!! My legs are like jello, but still feeling satisfied. I really enjoy our weekly games, at least its a good workout once a week and all in good company. After that we usually stuff ourselves silly over supper. Wish i played better though, think my game is still inconsistant, i have to play well right from the start, if i start off lousy and it doesn't pick up den sian... But it gets better, we're all improving and I always look forward to thursdays :) hurray for tennis thursdays!!
I love that you get helpless whenever i get mad. I love the way you talk about your cats, and the fondness in your voice. I love it when you get all greedy whenever we sit to eat. I love it when you let me in your worries and your cares, it makes me feel important and that you know i care. I love that you're the last person i always want to talk to before I fall asleep. I love... you
Faith looks across the storm- it does not doubt
Or stop to look at clouds and things without.
Faith does not question why when all His ways
Are hard to understand, but trusts and prays.
I'm reminded to not cease praying, because sometimes, when prayers go unanswered, we lose sight of faith. But God wants us to pray on, and He will release the blessing as we press on.
At the special request of a certain friend with an unquenchable liking for yellow sponges, i present to you a new face for this space... Like it?
I have so many inadequacies. What happens when too much really is too little? And what happens when all you see in yourself, is what others see in you...
This morning i prayed, God teach me to love with your love, love that is generous and not imposing. Love that wants the best for another but little for yourself. Jesus never asked to be deserved of our love. Because i am weak, i want to love with your love Lord.
Quoting George Whiteside; "Papers are a central part of research. If your research does not generate papers, it might as well have not been done. "Interesting and unpublished" is equivalent to "non-existent"." Adv Materials. 2004, 16, 1375.
I guess up to now, I've just been non existent.
Awesome song... Singing every little girl's dream, including mine... I first heard it in Bride Wars where anne and kate walked the aisles down their weddings and i hope someday i can walk mine to it too
Today's Daily bread: Sinless, He was adored by the multitudes one day (Matt21:9), and then condemned as a criminal and died on a Roman cross in excruciating pain.
Yet, He chose to do so for you and for me.
Teach me Lord, of your mercy and grace. Teach me how to love unselfishly as you did..
Dreams need believing and faith to come true. I believe.
A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches,
whatever you wish for you'll see.
Have faith in your dreams and someday,
your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
the dream that you wish will come through...
He's in my every dream, so i can smile in my sleep.
