When i'm alone, i like to stare and wonder. Time seems to pass by ever so slowly and in moments like this i feel i'm most myself. Can the human brain process so many thoughts all at once? I'm tempted to think that only the female brain can.
The friend says he's accustomed to loneliness inside and camouflaging it well. I know that skill well too.
Last painful stage in first paper writing. Can't wait to finally squeeze it out, the thorn in the flesh.
Sit and stare
Patience breeds trust. Be patient.
Forgive us, Lord, for failures past,
Then help us start anew
With strength and courage to obey
And closely follow You.
So far
Have been working hard since the start of this year, and really appreciating the hard work. Even though only 15 days has passed, but i seem to feel like its been a while. But more than that there's the satisfaction and contentment from working hard and playing equally hard. Most days are packed after work, quite meaningfully and i've enjoyed 2010 thus far. May this year be a year of change and progress. And that i can be brave to answer to myself the questions i never had the courage to ask.
Riddling? But life is just full of riddles ain't it. And we run full circle.
3/7
Riddling? But life is just full of riddles ain't it. And we run full circle.
3/7
I was told, don't change,
You're fine the way you are.
i wouldn't want you to change...
Alot can happen in say 7 years,
But we shall always be the same.
Weddings
Started the new year with a wedding. It was nice.
As each bride walks down the altar, all eyes are on her. But, i always like to watch the groom. The anticipation in his face, the raw excitement as he reaches out to receive her, almost as if it was the first time he held her hands. I watch the groom, as he smiles and watches his bride proudly. As he tells the stories of how she completes him and how he made her his, it makes my heart ache with joy and a tinge of sadness.
As each bride walks down the altar, all eyes are on her. But, i always like to watch the groom. The anticipation in his face, the raw excitement as he reaches out to receive her, almost as if it was the first time he held her hands. I watch the groom, as he smiles and watches his bride proudly. As he tells the stories of how she completes him and how he made her his, it makes my heart ache with joy and a tinge of sadness.
welcoming 2010
I await the coming of 2010, mostly with feelings of relief and fresh hope. It feels like a great new hope and promise of new beginnings. The potential of good things to come, is a relief for me. 2009 wasn't that awesome. I knew i had begun the year with many uncertainties. And bore witness to many of them coming to past. This year i walked in preempted fears and uneasiness. Hugely that there was so much to say and yet so much could not be translated. So much to be done and so much that was left undone. So much to control and yet so much that went out of control. I learnt alot about myself through the many lessons and i hope to remain optimistic that the best that came out of it was that i have matured and came face to face with myself and that i can learn to be honest with myself. To complete the process of inner healing and walk out of the scars of hurt and finally smile at them. A friend said recently i was too kind for my own good. I laughed with a bitter smile and mocked why. "You just are. It might do you in."
This year i know i strayed from Him. I watched on as others did his work and i just skimmed by. I forgot what it was like to be passionate with faith but laid instead childish prayers of requests on him. Countless times begging him for help, perhaps just hoping for his help. But the lack of faith is laughable. He became santa claus and not my Lord. In the coming year, i want to let him lead, firstly in my mind and emotions. Because i know, all the insecurities stemmed from the lack of Him in me and i had forced myself into establishing securities for myself everywhere else. He must hurt to see us walk so nonchalantly, losing out on all the blessings He had promised us.
Its easy to live for circumstances. Each day passes and you know, that there's important things you have to see to. But just for now, you don't want to tend to it. Procrastination. In the new year I'd like to know where i'm headed and plan ahead. Plan ahead.. Just made my resolutions and this time, i'm filled with hope of walking out of the shadows of this year and entering the new with confidence.
Don't let your heart skip a beat
or stare at the things with familiar wonderings.
Don't respond with that old fear,
or furrow and answer nothings wrong.
But be brave and teach yourself,
that many times we're our own worst enemy.
Hurts may come and tears may flow,
but faith and trust will pull us through.
This year i know i strayed from Him. I watched on as others did his work and i just skimmed by. I forgot what it was like to be passionate with faith but laid instead childish prayers of requests on him. Countless times begging him for help, perhaps just hoping for his help. But the lack of faith is laughable. He became santa claus and not my Lord. In the coming year, i want to let him lead, firstly in my mind and emotions. Because i know, all the insecurities stemmed from the lack of Him in me and i had forced myself into establishing securities for myself everywhere else. He must hurt to see us walk so nonchalantly, losing out on all the blessings He had promised us.
Its easy to live for circumstances. Each day passes and you know, that there's important things you have to see to. But just for now, you don't want to tend to it. Procrastination. In the new year I'd like to know where i'm headed and plan ahead. Plan ahead.. Just made my resolutions and this time, i'm filled with hope of walking out of the shadows of this year and entering the new with confidence.
Don't let your heart skip a beat
or stare at the things with familiar wonderings.
Don't respond with that old fear,
or furrow and answer nothings wrong.
But be brave and teach yourself,
that many times we're our own worst enemy.
Hurts may come and tears may flow,
but faith and trust will pull us through.
speaking the language of love
I did Gary Chapman's 5 love language quiz after reading the book and topped almost equally in Words of affirmation and Quality time. It was very refreshing, i really enjoyed the book. And there i learnt more about myself. Now i know why that walk in the night, or us taking time to talk with no distractions meant so much to me. It wasn't pursuing fairy tales or chasing after romantism... That was just me, and how i felt loved. And when i wasn't fed my love language, i was empty and disappointed. Everyone has different love languages and perceive being loved in different ways. Evaluating myself and us, i was surprised that acts of service ranked lower for me, which means i need it less. In looking at my expression of love language for him, i thought perhaps acts of service was more prominent, because i like doing things for him and taking care of him. I also liked to reassure him and affirm him when he feels discouraged. And generally i don't mind the places we go or the activities we do, as long as we are spending quality time, but i do get iffy when i feel he is distracted or not entirely there with me :( it makes me feel somewhat insignificant. I like giving him gifts and super enjoy the expression on his face when he sees them, i feel like the gift conveys my thoughts of him and how important he is to me. I also like to be close to him and bear hugs squeezes away any distance between us. Means i like to show all 5 love languages. But perceive them differently. I think i learnt to be aware of the difference between perceiving love and feeling love. Although both are important, it is good to educate your partner about which language truely gets through to your heart. If he reciprocates, you don't so much feel frustrated.. When both people speak love languages effectively to each other, they build a safe haven for communicating hurts and building one another up. Because Love is very much a choice, i choose to put myself aside and put his interest and desires before my own.
It might take hard work, but if he gives even a little, it'll mean the world to me.
Love language
I'm so thankful that he really listened and heard what i was saying. I felt so empowered by the focused attention and real quality time we took, no matter how short it was. Speaking the love language of your partner and more so taking the effort to do so, is really important!
Blessed.
Simple but Treasured
Haven't been blogging consistently for a bit. Its a matter of having too many thoughts in your brain that you kinda just wanna pen it to relieve yourself.
Rounding up my work now.. Its evoking some fears, doubts and mindless rambles. Is this good enough, damn what results to show, crap even i don't understand what i'm doing sometimes how to convince others of this crap. But beneath it all, i'm thankful to labmates around me. Their presence soothes me. Not like everyone is in the same boat or what, but i just like seeing them around. Seeing them push in their work, that we can all hang out and go for lunch and dinner together, that i can just turn my chair around and talk cock to them... simple things like that. Last night i stayed back late in office with YY and Yan Hua. We had dinner and travelled home together. Even though it was just a simple time, i really enjoyed and treasured their presence. And i found myself already missing these times, when YH will be starting work really soon, another allie leaving... And i also enjoy when we all go jogging in campus, MK, YY, YH , XF. Other lab buddies, May, Riko, LK, Der, MY too.. We always seem to have crappy things to say and complain about. Simple times.. but greatly treasured..
Had dinner with the boys just now. Was raining again and damn cannot play tennis again. I super hate the monsoon season because of this. Wanted to try out the new grip ah ber was gonna teach me, the continental grip was hurting my wrist quite a bit last wk when i exerted it. But it'll hold off to next week. Enjoyed the company, as always its honest and candid. They always have something to say about me, but i know their right and they know me for what i am, and them saying it seems almost like i'm externalizing my own thoughts trapped inside of me; plainly accurate. I think the dynamics of this friendship is special and again, i'm blessed with friends like the boys and my special dear sister XF! whose away in the USofA but my prayers are with her, that God will keep her safe and bless her with a fulfilling trip. Again, simple times.. and greatly treasured..
Am i a worrier? Or am I just being a woman? There are these things that haunt me.. But I ask the Lord to release me as i learn to release my fears to Him. I learnt from several friends; most recent of which from daryl; that we have to be first responsible for ourselves and to ourselves, before we can than bless others or the ones we love..
Peace. That which is most precious i realize now.
Had dinner with the boys just now. Was raining again and damn cannot play tennis again. I super hate the monsoon season because of this. Wanted to try out the new grip ah ber was gonna teach me, the continental grip was hurting my wrist quite a bit last wk when i exerted it. But it'll hold off to next week. Enjoyed the company, as always its honest and candid. They always have something to say about me, but i know their right and they know me for what i am, and them saying it seems almost like i'm externalizing my own thoughts trapped inside of me; plainly accurate. I think the dynamics of this friendship is special and again, i'm blessed with friends like the boys and my special dear sister XF! whose away in the USofA but my prayers are with her, that God will keep her safe and bless her with a fulfilling trip. Again, simple times.. and greatly treasured..
Am i a worrier? Or am I just being a woman? There are these things that haunt me.. But I ask the Lord to release me as i learn to release my fears to Him. I learnt from several friends; most recent of which from daryl; that we have to be first responsible for ourselves and to ourselves, before we can than bless others or the ones we love..
Peace. That which is most precious i realize now.
All i wanted was a dance on the beach.
I count the number of times 3 little words were passed between us...
the number of times you reached out for my hand..
the number of times you smiled at me.
i'll always be thankful, if there's something to count.
The ally way
Forgive me if i do get huffy and puffy like a great big ugly blowfish..
I'll learn the ways of Ally and manja you more..
Because at the end of the day, i just like your attention and care as much as she does..
And its definitely cuter when its done the Ally way!
expectations
Expectations or judgements upon me. Preconceived notions make it hard to prove oneself, but let time be the better judge of my character than opinions that perhaps were earned or otherwise factual. Don't want to be petty or irritable no more. The lack of ambition or challenge in my life now seems to be the one source of them all. Stepping back up is hard, proving oneself is equally hard. Is it harder to prove your worth to yourself or to others?
Only God doesn't need me to prove my worth, because it is my worthlessness that requires his mercy.
Only God doesn't need me to prove my worth, because it is my worthlessness that requires his mercy.
Randomness
Tennis thursday plus tennis friday= super fit and tired girls! Me and xf must be some kind of tennis socialites, thurs with ah wei, fri with ber. Heck if not for my strained neck i would have enjoyed this weeks games more. But, still good. I like the routine, the commitment to the game and the company every week. It is a nice stabilizer to break in the week. Even nicer on friday heh, when you kick back from work completely and can wind down in a nice place. i look forward to tennis days more than any day of the week! Ber says i'll get tennis elbow, from the way i hit, but offers no solution for me. Stuuupid pig. I don't want tennis elbow!!!!
I want to play table tennis too, cos the reflexes are so fast, it feels damn good to smack the ball fast fast. Yay balls of fury...
I want to graduate by nxt convo too, cos everyone else is, and this is simply taking too long and i really wanna wrap up and move on. Its time to pull on the fast gears... Nature materials (right...).
I find myself lapsing into stoning quite often now, its like i'll zone out consciously and think abt stuff. So many things to think abt. Countless possiblities and permutations abt how life will turn out according to out different choices. At the moment where it kinda freaks me out, i'd have to pull myself out quickly, having to catch an invisible breath. Reminding myself, life may be full of what ifs, but its not made up of them. I'm in it for the long run.
Like I said, its a total random post.
I want to play table tennis too, cos the reflexes are so fast, it feels damn good to smack the ball fast fast. Yay balls of fury...
I want to graduate by nxt convo too, cos everyone else is, and this is simply taking too long and i really wanna wrap up and move on. Its time to pull on the fast gears... Nature materials (right...).
I find myself lapsing into stoning quite often now, its like i'll zone out consciously and think abt stuff. So many things to think abt. Countless possiblities and permutations abt how life will turn out according to out different choices. At the moment where it kinda freaks me out, i'd have to pull myself out quickly, having to catch an invisible breath. Reminding myself, life may be full of what ifs, but its not made up of them. I'm in it for the long run.
Like I said, its a total random post.
Logic vs Heart
I say i'm in a logical phase right now. Relieved even. But the heart comes in and confuses every logic. I look both ways, and wonder how to take my next step. Maybe we do not always know what is the best for ourselves, but Lord let your will come in, above all logic and above all emotions, let your will be done.
His salvation before all things.
Tired of tiredness. Just want to focus all my energy on my thesis and graduate.
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