So far

Labels: - Thursday, January 14, 2010

Have been working hard since the start of this year, and really appreciating the hard work. Even though only 15 days has passed, but i seem to feel like its been a while. But more than that there's the satisfaction and contentment from working hard and playing equally hard. Most days are packed after work, quite meaningfully and i've enjoyed 2010 thus far. May this year be a year of change and progress. And that i can be brave to answer to myself the questions i never had the courage to ask.


Riddling? But life is just full of riddles ain't it. And we run full circle.

3/7

Labels: - Monday, January 11, 2010

I was told, don't change,

You're fine the way you are.

i wouldn't want you to change...

Alot can happen in say 7 years,

But we shall always be the same.

- Friday, January 08, 2010

Thank you... for wanting the best for me.

Weddings

- Friday, January 01, 2010

Started the new year with a wedding. It was nice.
As each bride walks down the altar, all eyes are on her. But, i always like to watch the groom. The anticipation in his face, the raw excitement as he reaches out to receive her, almost as if it was the first time he held her hands. I watch the groom, as he smiles and watches his bride proudly. As he tells the stories of how she completes him and how he made her his, it makes my heart ache with joy and a tinge of sadness.

welcoming 2010

Labels: - Monday, December 28, 2009

I await the coming of 2010, mostly with feelings of relief and fresh hope. It feels like a great new hope and promise of new beginnings. The potential of good things to come, is a relief for me. 2009 wasn't that awesome. I knew i had begun the year with many uncertainties. And bore witness to many of them coming to past. This year i walked in preempted fears and uneasiness. Hugely that there was so much to say and yet so much could not be translated. So much to be done and so much that was left undone. So much to control and yet so much that went out of control. I learnt alot about myself through the many lessons and i hope to remain optimistic that the best that came out of it was that i have matured and came face to face with myself and that i can learn to be honest with myself. To complete the process of inner healing and walk out of the scars of hurt and finally smile at them. A friend said recently i was too kind for my own good. I laughed with a bitter smile and mocked why. "You just are. It might do you in."

This year i know i strayed from Him. I watched on as others did his work and i just skimmed by. I forgot what it was like to be passionate with faith but laid instead childish prayers of requests on him. Countless times begging him for help, perhaps just hoping for his help. But the lack of faith is laughable. He became santa claus and not my Lord. In the coming year, i want to let him lead, firstly in my mind and emotions. Because i know, all the insecurities stemmed from the lack of Him in me and i had forced myself into establishing securities for myself everywhere else. He must hurt to see us walk so nonchalantly, losing out on all the blessings He had promised us.

Its easy to live for circumstances. Each day passes and you know, that there's important things you have to see to. But just for now, you don't want to tend to it. Procrastination. In the new year I'd like to know where i'm headed and plan ahead. Plan ahead.. Just made my resolutions and this time, i'm filled with hope of walking out of the shadows of this year and entering the new with confidence.

Don't let your heart skip a beat
or stare at the things with familiar wonderings.
Don't respond with that old fear,
or furrow and answer nothings wrong.
But be brave and teach yourself,
that many times we're our own worst enemy.
Hurts may come and tears may flow,
but faith and trust will pull us through.

speaking the language of love

Labels: - Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I did Gary Chapman's 5 love language quiz after reading the book and topped almost equally in Words of affirmation and Quality time. It was very refreshing, i really enjoyed the book. And there i learnt more about myself. Now i know why that walk in the night, or us taking time to talk with no distractions meant so much to me. It wasn't pursuing fairy tales or chasing after romantism... That was just me, and how i felt loved. And when i wasn't fed my love language, i was empty and disappointed. Everyone has different love languages and perceive being loved in different ways. Evaluating myself and us, i was surprised that acts of service ranked lower for me, which means i need it less. In looking at my expression of love language for him, i thought perhaps acts of service was more prominent, because i like doing things for him and taking care of him. I also liked to reassure him and affirm him when he feels discouraged. And generally i don't mind the places we go or the activities we do, as long as we are spending quality time, but i do get iffy when i feel he is distracted or not entirely there with me :( it makes me feel somewhat insignificant. I like giving him gifts and super enjoy the expression on his face when he sees them, i feel like the gift conveys my thoughts of him and how important he is to me. I also like to be close to him and bear hugs squeezes away any distance between us. Means i like to show all 5 love languages. But perceive them differently. I think i learnt to be aware of the difference between perceiving love and feeling love. Although both are important, it is good to educate your partner about which language truely gets through to your heart. If he reciprocates, you don't so much feel frustrated.. When both people speak love languages effectively to each other, they build a safe haven for communicating hurts and building one another up. Because Love is very much a choice, i choose to put myself aside and put his interest and desires before my own.

It might take hard work, but if he gives even a little, it'll mean the world to me.

Love language

- Friday, December 04, 2009

I'm so thankful that he really listened and heard what i was saying. I felt so empowered by the focused attention and real quality time we took, no matter how short it was. Speaking the love language of your partner and more so taking the effort to do so, is really important!


Blessed.

Labels: - Thursday, November 19, 2009

omigosh... i dreamt of bosco wong.. and he was so cute that i woke up with goose bumps hehehe

Simple but Treasured

Labels: , , - Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Haven't been blogging consistently for a bit. Its a matter of having too many thoughts in your brain that you kinda just wanna pen it to relieve yourself.
Rounding up my work now.. Its evoking some fears, doubts and mindless rambles. Is this good enough, damn what results to show, crap even i don't understand what i'm doing sometimes how to convince others of this crap. But beneath it all, i'm thankful to labmates around me. Their presence soothes me. Not like everyone is in the same boat or what, but i just like seeing them around. Seeing them push in their work, that we can all hang out and go for lunch and dinner together, that i can just turn my chair around and talk cock to them... simple things like that. Last night i stayed back late in office with YY and Yan Hua. We had dinner and travelled home together. Even though it was just a simple time, i really enjoyed and treasured their presence. And i found myself already missing these times, when YH will be starting work really soon, another allie leaving... And i also enjoy when we all go jogging in campus, MK, YY, YH , XF. Other lab buddies, May, Riko, LK, Der, MY too.. We always seem to have crappy things to say and complain about. Simple times.. but greatly treasured..
Had dinner with the boys just now. Was raining again and damn cannot play tennis again. I super hate the monsoon season because of this. Wanted to try out the new grip ah ber was gonna teach me, the continental grip was hurting my wrist quite a bit last wk when i exerted it. But it'll hold off to next week. Enjoyed the company, as always its honest and candid. They always have something to say about me, but i know their right and they know me for what i am, and them saying it seems almost like i'm externalizing my own thoughts trapped inside of me; plainly accurate. I think the dynamics of this friendship is special and again, i'm blessed with friends like the boys and my special dear sister XF! whose away in the USofA but my prayers are with her, that God will keep her safe and bless her with a fulfilling trip. Again, simple times.. and greatly treasured..
Am i a worrier? Or am I just being a woman? There are these things that haunt me.. But I ask the Lord to release me as i learn to release my fears to Him. I learnt from several friends; most recent of which from daryl; that we have to be first responsible for ourselves and to ourselves, before we can than bless others or the ones we love..

Peace. That which is most precious i realize now.

...

Labels: - Thursday, October 22, 2009

"Endless time!" he says...

if only it really was endless time.

- Saturday, September 19, 2009

All i wanted was a dance on the beach.

I count the number of times 3 little words were passed between us...
the number of times you reached out for my hand..
the number of times you smiled at me.
i'll always be thankful, if there's something to count.

The ally way

- Monday, August 17, 2009

Forgive me if i do get huffy and puffy like a great big ugly blowfish..
I'll learn the ways of Ally and manja you more..
Because at the end of the day, i just like your attention and care as much as she does..
And its definitely cuter when its done the Ally way!


expectations

Labels: - Sunday, August 09, 2009

Expectations or judgements upon me. Preconceived notions make it hard to prove oneself, but let time be the better judge of my character than opinions that perhaps were earned or otherwise factual. Don't want to be petty or irritable no more. The lack of ambition or challenge in my life now seems to be the one source of them all. Stepping back up is hard, proving oneself is equally hard. Is it harder to prove your worth to yourself or to others?

Only God doesn't need me to prove my worth, because it is my worthlessness that requires his mercy.

Randomness

- Friday, July 31, 2009

Tennis thursday plus tennis friday= super fit and tired girls! Me and xf must be some kind of tennis socialites, thurs with ah wei, fri with ber. Heck if not for my strained neck i would have enjoyed this weeks games more. But, still good. I like the routine, the commitment to the game and the company every week. It is a nice stabilizer to break in the week. Even nicer on friday heh, when you kick back from work completely and can wind down in a nice place. i look forward to tennis days more than any day of the week! Ber says i'll get tennis elbow, from the way i hit, but offers no solution for me. Stuuupid pig. I don't want tennis elbow!!!!

I want to play table tennis too, cos the reflexes are so fast, it feels damn good to smack the ball fast fast. Yay balls of fury...

I want to graduate by nxt convo too, cos everyone else is, and this is simply taking too long and i really wanna wrap up and move on. Its time to pull on the fast gears... Nature materials (right...).

I find myself lapsing into stoning quite often now, its like i'll zone out consciously and think abt stuff. So many things to think abt. Countless possiblities and permutations abt how life will turn out according to out different choices. At the moment where it kinda freaks me out, i'd have to pull myself out quickly, having to catch an invisible breath. Reminding myself, life may be full of what ifs, but its not made up of them. I'm in it for the long run.

Like I said, its a total random post.

Logic vs Heart

Labels: , , - Friday, July 24, 2009

I say i'm in a logical phase right now. Relieved even. But the heart comes in and confuses every logic. I look both ways, and wonder how to take my next step. Maybe we do not always know what is the best for ourselves, but Lord let your will come in, above all logic and above all emotions, let your will be done.

His salvation before all things.

Tired of tiredness. Just want to focus all my energy on my thesis and graduate.

- Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wish he'd really ask, what i want, and what i'm really thinking about...
That kindness and patience in his voice, is missed.. for some time now..

Haunting song..

- Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I chanced upon 吻别 again, after a good 2 decades. And i still really like the song... Sigh, puts one in such a pensieve mood too, and i keep playing it over and over and over... hah.



前尘往事成云烟消散在彼此眼前
就连说过了再见也看不见你有些哀怨
给我的一切你不过是在敷衍
你笑的越无邪我就会爱你爱得更狂野
总在刹那间有一些了解
说过的话不可能会实现
就在一转眼发现你的脸
已经陌生不会再像从前

我的世界开始下雪
冷得让我无法多爱一天
冷得连隐藏的遗憾都那么地明显

我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲

想要给你的思念就像风筝断了线
飞不进你的世界也温暖不了你的视线
我已经看见一出悲剧正上演
剧终没有喜悦我仍然躲在你的梦里面

总在刹那间有一些了解
说过的话不可能会实现
就在一转眼发现你的脸
已经陌生不会再像从前

我的世界开始下雪
冷得让我无法多爱一天
冷得连隐藏的遗憾都那么地明显

我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲
我和你吻别在无人的街
让风痴笑我不能拒绝
我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
我的心等著迎接伤悲

Vulnerabilities

Labels: - Friday, July 17, 2009

I am vulnerable when i'm with people who really care about me. Uncontrollably i give in to sobs and emotions flooding, even when i have no words it's good to let it out. Its ok. Because i feel safe in their presence. I need to feel safe and their reassurance is reassuring enough to get me through. God, you're in control, and i'm grateful for that and that you provide people who care.

some things i learnt about through this few weeks...
1. There's no way you can take control over everything. The more you fight, the worse it gets. Let God take control.
2. Love is a commitment, its not just feelings.
3. Always look at yourself before you look at others, because you're imperfect too.
3. Be brave, face your problems.
4. Give life your best shot, and don't live to regret your decisions.
5. Don't be impatient, fools rush in.
6. Nothing should be taken for granted, because everything that's meaningful and precious comes with the price of hard work and dedication.
7. Friendship and wisdom are by far the most treasured jewels one can find.

I'm quite impressed with my body, apparently i don't quite need as much food and sleep as i thought i would.

The game

Labels: - Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tennis every thursday is good for my mind, body and soul. In that 2 hrs, i can leave it all outside of the court, outside of my mind, outside of my whole being. I can put all my heart and energy into the ball and hit it so hard to throw out the good and bad. On the court i can be focused.

Ah wei liked the survival kit we put tgr specially for him, for once he was a man of few words, but i could tell he was genuinely touched and lost for words and we're glad.


life is tough, play it like a game of tennis. give every ball your best shot.

- Sunday, July 12, 2009



Smile by Uncle Kracker

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile



I'd like to smile like that again..

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